Love Letters

YZ (X)

2004-09-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

The day you came in the afternoon, that day that I was so mad, so angry about many people I knew and what they had done, that day you were not going to appear. Then you did. And when you saw me in the distance, while you had stopped to speak with someone, you started coming towards me, slowly, trying to realize that something was wrong, something was disturbing me, maybe trying to get ready for what was ahead or perhaps trying to get ready to know how to act about it. Because in the distance you could see that something very important had changed in me. Everybody was aware and you walked slowly without asking why the change... You took my hand in yours and you said "You are very very sad" and looked at me in grief as well. I was sad but sadness had already made me feel angrier. I looked decided, I had come see you for a very important reason and I was going to explain it and I was going to make you listen to me, at least to let you know a bit about that woman who had come by chance in front of your eyes one day.

Of course you were not alone, you were almost never alone "I am always busy" you said whenever I tried to leave things for another day. "Wait for me". But that day I was not completely aware of the "busy" fact and you had things to set up with someone and I had to wait on that chair while you spoke and she showed you many papers with pictures on them. A magazine, a brochure... I could not see anything, my state of mind didn't allow me to see more than five millimeters ahead. "A coffee?" You asked. "No, thanks" "Tea?" "No, thanks" I was serious, mad in silence. I didn't know at that time that Nobody could ever speak to you that way, that nobody was granted to answer you without adding a "sir" or "you know what". My answers were sharp, so sharp that that woman looked at you with a question mark on her eyes and then it's when you smiled and asked again, sweetly, not angry for the way I replied you. Not angry at all. I might think it amused you. "And..." you insisted "What about a lemonade? Mmmm?" I had to answer then and I needed something fresh. I had been crying shortly before, explaining to that man all the misadventures I had been exposed to the last weeks. I love the lemonade there because it's made with lime. You looked at me, trying to say "you can't deny a lemonade, you can't deny this fresh drinking, so softening your nerves, you need it, take it" So I said without looking at you "Allright" You smiled with a triumph as if you had conquered something and smiled to that woman that you got what you wanted. But I felt that what amused you was how sharp I was and acted. Those things are nonsense, they look so little to the eyes of people who might read this. Yet that was the prelude of what I had to start feeling about you: at times I felt that you were so acquiescent, benevolent and compliant, that you would not feel disappointed every time I was the passionate soul I am. Details, situations, showed me this. I could show the dominant vein that lives within me and yet it made you feel good. Finally we were alone and I explained you many important issues. I almost cried again and you perceived the tears. I even pushed my fist on your table with a moderate hard sound . I thought (oooopsss, that was hard) but you didn't complain, on the contrary, you showed this benevolence, this acceptance and you even looked pleased. That was the kind of person who was going to listen to me and feel my pain somehow. My true pain, the way I had lived those issues and how alone I had to face them all. I was not acting as a victim, I don't like being treated as such, but as survivor and fighter, yes. My way of talking perhaps showed you this and you then left for a moment and came back and told me that I was part of that place. I could not believe that. It was like in the movies, when the most popular TV series has a visit of someone who takes a big role and it was so easy, but not easy in truth. It was convincing by the truthful intentions of the visitor. I named someone who was on my book. The book that I was keeping on my lap and that you asked me to hand you. We loved that side of Love, that love that is almost unreachable, love for the stars and constellations, love for the unseen. I left with a very strange feeling that I wrote down my diary when I got back home:

"I could say so many things, but nothing comes to my mind. Only to my spirit, and what word can translate what I am just feeling now?Maybe I only can say this : I feel that I have crossed the time, that I am in no time measurable. I feel that I am in a place that has no time, where everything is quiet and yet sounding and rolling without stop. I have not done this alone. God has touched the hearts of many people today and even if they don't know, the angels and Ibn Arabi have done their best for me today. If once I was "there", today I am again "there"; my steps were cautious but intuitive, and now I feel that my body is bothering me, so exalted because my soul is in motion. Thank you God."

This was written in 2002, it had been avery hot day of August. The fourth. I remember I went to a supermarket and could not control my desire to say what I was going to do tomorrow. What day was going to start for me. I met a woman whose husband was kind of important in the city. I said that I needed a clock. I had not been using one for weeks. I was afraid I would fall asleep. The seller took a clock that came with an offer by Nescafe. He opened the box, took the Nescafe envelopes , the little ones with coffee and handed me the clock. I only had to buy the battery. This is how people acted when I was in trouble, almost always, of course. So Nescafe, that is good, I thought, it will also remind me to take my coffee when I will wake up. How I felt that night? I could not sleep, it was difficult, I prayed and thanked God, I loved the carpet in my room, the spacious red carpet that became my sheltering grass whenever I needed. In my mind your image concealed my anxiety. I had started feeling that protection. But I don't want to ignore something about that conversation as well. You had asked where my fiance was the time that I was suffering what I did during the last weeks. I said that he was having problems with his passport. Then you said "this is not serious" "he is not serious" I said that "please, don't speak about him now, because then I will really REALLY get mad and this is going to be worse". Because all the time I needed him, it is true, he wasn't there. "He is not serious" That sentence was the first of series of sentences like that one that you would pronounce many times from then on. Somehow it was easier that "he was not serious", this made easier to make part of that place without many pressures. Yet he was my fiance. I will have to come to this later. It's very important to remember again, my dear lover of Truth.

YZ (IX)

2004-09-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

I was reading someone's thoughts and ..... God, I found myself reflected in them like a mirror. Realizing that there were many reasons for not being able to know the truth. Fear to break such a beautiful friendship, fear to say aloud what your attitude was doing to me. Like a start of something anew, and how many times I have asked if this was also what was happening to you? Your way to be with me, so protective and caring, and the way you looked at me whenever a kind of comment or sentence or conversation came up. I am sure about something. You were the first person from both of us who started showing this caring. Did I deserve it? Was all what I was feeling a mixture of ego and at the same time of self-esteem? Why, I asked once to someone whom I trusted (but with limitations...), why me? Why is he helping me so much? Why is he making me feel so satisfied and joyful? Why not you? Because it is You. I had that feeling of flattery and a feeling of uncertainty all the time. I was not used to mysteries like that one. But I think that in fact my way of being was the same, mystery, fear, ego... I don't even know what it was. But I have asked so many times on my diary that I wish I knew what was on your mind, asking why so many times that I started crying. I was living alone and I was dedicated completely to what had been given to me at that time. Perfectionist as I am I wanted to make it look the way people deserved it. And the way that place deserved it. And the way you deserved it. I told you once we are not someplace unimportant right now, we are here and this is very important for the future. I have to do my best even though it will not be perfect, but I thought I had to give a fruit, a gift to the giver of gifts. And the most perfection I would put in the task the most I would give from myself. Anyway, if you ask people, they will tell you it's not bad. But at least it was not what I had to see in the beginning, so full of flaws. This is what satisfies me really, that somewhere there is something I made with real love, with real dedication and real trust. The ocean is so vast, but there are islands. The same is what I thought: the flaws would make sink all that beautiful original work the way it was made by hands that didn't know how to say this or that...

You are far right now. And so near as well. I have tried to forget everything, and think that all was a terrible mistake. But as time goes by I realize there was something that I never could touch for it was like a tale story, it looked like 1001 nights, or the "gallant" stories of love from the middle ages. The caring, and the trust you put on me has always followed my life. And the anger you showed me the last times before we stop seeing each other have made part, a big part of my crying nights. I have felt pathetic, sad, alone. And I ask myself, still , does he remember? Does he remember that afternoon when I said that I was going to leave and he got so mad at me? Does he remember when he said that I was not giving a correct answer? Does he also remember that when I said I would stay for a year he then smiled and said... "many things can happen in a year... Maybe you leave... Maybe he comes.... Or maybe..... Maybe.... - looking at me with a very strange smile- maybe someone cares for you, someone who loves you very very much..."-then you smiled again with a secret holding behind your eyes. My ego came up, I think, and I said "that I don't think this is possible because when I love , I love forever" Then, suddenly, so suddenly, the man that had been so nice and happy became angry and you mumbled several things against this attitude and then I left with a BIG BIG BIG! question mark upon my forehead! Why he became so angry? Why he dismissed me this way? Well, you didn't , I left because I saw things were fiery then, exalted or angry, I was unsure. For my caring you were angry that I said it would not be possible to love someone else? Why it made you so mad? Then, if I think that you hid something that you didn't want to tell me, or say, you preferred to be angry so I would understand? You see, my dear lover of truth, you see that I am not born on the same land as you did, that I am confused many times for the way people are or react towards certain things. You don't see that I have been raised differently? Do you think that because many of the great masters were born where I live, does it mean that they were not different? Another time? And another education? Mentality? Understanding? Maybe I expected you to act as someone from my land and you did the same. So finally I have asked many times if you had something on your mind. I went to the pharmacy one night because I was not able to sleep. I started crying there, hopeless, my tears were so easy. I looked like someone who is having a very big issue in his life. And that was true. If we had tried to be more open I think we would know where our position was exactly. Your career, your status, and mine who was also different from yours but following your direction. I swear to God, that I felt strange things when you were around me. Like the day that I went "to see the sea". And the day you got so angry with me , when I was "seeing the sea" but someone was there as well. He was asking me about my faith, I am such a serious person when I travel especially, I look like a sergeant, I don't flirt, it's not me, and yet you believed this of me! And you were so mad that even when I got inside the elevator you asked someone to come inside with you, you were nervous out of yourself, but mastering it, unless your voice that was like someone who is making all things possible not to scream, your trembling voice not giving credit to your eyes that Iwas there, I was FEELING DIZZY, needed to get some air, I was having my periods... Should I had to tell you all this? I said" I will NEVER AGAIN come here, anymore, I will never in my life come here again" I saw you inside the elevator, and the truth is that I had never seen your face that way, You were like out of this world, even your face didn't look the same. So angry with me? What was I doing so wrong? Nobody was important in my life at that time but God. And you. So you know it.

YZ (VIII)

2004-09-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

I was reading some poetry by a mystic who felt a love for someone. Yet it was a spiritual love. But yet that person represented all the love he imagined existed. But then, again, it was spiritual. Or was it mixed? Or do you think it can be possible to feel a terrible sensual, sexual, AND spiritual attraction for someone...Does it seem difficult to experiment? And yet... Then his poetry is full of sensuality yet he let's us see that it reflects his love for God. But I ask: was that woman all the essence of love he was longing for to see , feel, touch? Was she then the answers to all his metaphysical questions? And, what made me stop and think was the fact that this mystic is someone you speak about countless times. His name has been pronounced through your lips in countless manifestations, public and in thought. It is your world that I am talking about; and all the people that mean your spiritual journey. Then I was still thinking. Because it is true that you observe these people's works, and through them you express your own way of life, your style of thougth, your style of soul. This is what appealed me, that I had to recall on: you feel like one of them, and in fact I felt you like one of them. This is exactly what I was trying to express, this silver string I spoke about before. Something that is transparent, yet "is"; that I felt whenever you were around. This made me think a lot about this way of being, and this way or "acting" and "reacting". I mean, I heard you say sentences, ask questions, that confused me. But was it not something sublime that you tried to explain? And was it something that I was afraid of feeling as well? But I felt many strange feelings about you. Not only confused. Some were clear and they were something spiritual, it's true, but perhaps what confused me from my own feelings was the fact that they were not only spiritual and for not being "only" spiritual I didn't know what to feel. Or how to understand those feelings. As strong as a spirit, as appealing as human being, as exciting as the way you walk, or the way you talk, the way you move, the way you are. Was it all a mixture of different kinds of love? Were all them at the same time? You live in a world where there is only this path for love, this kind of love that I also have always felt. In my way, I have met those who pretended and those who were ignorant about it. But this was not the same with you. First came the soul. Then came the man. I remember then the way you acted towards me, how happy for example you looked the afternoon I told you that I had had a quarrel with my fiance. A quarrel..., you said; you didn't ask "A quarrel?" raising your eyebrows. Oh no, you instead smiled. Then we walked, I was speaking about finding an appartment, you laid your arm on mine and pressed it while walking through that corridor. I am sure someone could see us, but I don't know, you seemed unaware of it. Those are the things. Yes, I am talking about the afternoon you waited for me, standing up, while the guards were also standing up for you, and when I came you were there, and they were there, and I had to smile that this man is still waiting and not walking leaving me behind because.... what are the guards going to think? You didn't care, and I never saw you doing this again with anyone. Then, inside the car, you suddenly turned towards me and asked: "Have you already finished your relationship?" Not "well how was your day", or "whatever think you might ask but not this" ... no, it was always the question or the "we are going to find a husband for you", "Who for example?" Quick answer, very quick: "there are many".Or that day, the day of maybe's as I call it. Maybe.... Maybe... Maybe.... and your enigmatic smile. Yes, I thought something was hidden behind those "maybe's", or else you would not look at me this way. Or the day you asked about my age and then you said that I am not 24 neither.... so that I was not too young not too old.... I guess. For what? I should have asked right away. Your strange and beautiful enigmatic smile always appeared like you were planning something. What was it. I ignore it. And what about my feelings for you? After what you did that evening when I stayed see the children and you had waited for me all that time , when I had already said goodbye, but no.... you were waiting with your two bodyguards. I could not believe you had waited so long. Then it was something so special. You made me feel important there, where so many people tried to be "important". I walked by your side but then tried to get out through the same corridor than your bodyguards but you called me. Always that same word to say "come..." "come.." as if I were your child, or your spoiled girl. That was the effect your words made on me. I had to come back and then get out with you and then we talked and you suggested me to take a trip if I wanted to, some holidays but a bit later on. I started feeling something that evening. That evening precisely my spiritual love started to have another kind of love so I guessed we were heading to your car and I escaped the way I could, full of confusion, and I called my mother to tell her I was starting to realize something about "someone". All those days only gratitude I felt towards you, you had given me many beautiful moments and surprises. So I think: I should get into the details of our converstations and then I will ask you: what was I supposed to feel? The same as you did?

Z (VII)

2004-09-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

You approached me and I saw you with your dark suit, your seriousness and then I did the same; taking you by your arm, that you didn't deny me, we started walking. Someone else walked with us but only you and I walked arm in arm. We were going somewhere, I don't know where exactly; you rather spoke, pointing out and stopping from time to time; I realized that we walked under the same rythm, the unison; sometimes I saw that your walk was very fast; nevertherless I surprised myself seeing that my steps didn't stay back; even if you walked slowly, or faster, we walked par steps. I felt that you were satisfied of the fact that I had taken you by the arm. When you walked fast, I didn't take effort; I just walked beside you, almost as if my feet floated, without getting exhausted. And when you walked slowly, without realizing it I also walked slowlier, it was as if we were thinking the same thoughts.Then, something happened: I felt that something or someone was taking my legs, touching them or taking them under my long skirt and I got frightened, because I trusted you and it was not possible that you were doing it. It would be a disappointment to know that your intentions were others. But it could not be you, because your arms were not that long as to take my legs between your hands. It could not be you, but I was not able to raise my skirt to see.

Then I understood. It was not you, it was some beings that wanted to stop us from walking together. They mortified me to make me doubt about you and stop walking. I knew after that those energies didn't want us to walk arm in arm, precisely because we were so equal, because we had an equal step, and maybe as well, an equal goal. In spite of such things, I didn't let your arm, I didn't let them separate us, and you felt completely satisfied and proud from my company. I felt that inside of me there was happiness and at times I laughed with confidence from something unimportant, because both of us were calm. But those energies had tried to put a doubt within myself and also stop our walk, wanting to make me give up. Therefore, I realized the importance of our mutual company. It was so important that those fiend genii tried that it didn't happen. But we were stronger than them and I gave all my strenght in order not to loose your steps. And that was it: we didn't separate each other, although I don't know which was our final destiny, our goal. I only know that I felt happy and full of serenity and you were happy and proud to be in my company and because of the fact that I was taking your arm.

One night I had this dream of you.It happened in August, ten days after I saw the illuminated stars upon old pages of written souls. I had already heard you asking me something that still I didn't know why you took it so seriously, the fact that you didn't want me to leave. It was strange that I had this kind of dream, I was used to see you as someone so above many people even if your attitude was so respectable there was always a side that let others realize that you were an open person. But I remember this was not always the case. I have heard people saying things, or just jumping when I was so calm and confident. But in that dream I woke up confused until I realized that probably it was all the effect of the way you were toward me, so protective and confident but also enigmatic in regards to some questions you asked aloud sometimes.

But I had this dream, woke up confused for what reason could make it come that way. And I felt serenity because in that dream there was this presence that I had always cherished: your deep knowledge, your secret conversations from beyond. Something that I called a "silver string" that I felt many times. And after that dreams many things started to change, things that I could not reach completely in my understanding. That was all my life that time, my dedication, that city, my friends, you.

YZ (VI)

2004-09-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

There was an incredible lightning right now and the thunder made the windows shake. This made me remember that city and how beautiful it is when it rains. I even made a poem when I was on holiday after all the intense days we spent making everything get ready. I also remember a song that I had never heard before. It was an english one and it was a duet. Now I don't remember the exact words but when I listened to them I remember I cried. I think that the emotions were so high during those times, I had received a call from you know who, saying that he didn't come because I was going to have a wonderful day, "congratulations" he said with sarcastic tone. I was at that moment in a beauty store, near my apartment, I was checking on colors and talking to a couple who came from Australia and wanted to visit the place we love and were very excited about it. He was/is australian and she came from Algeria. They had married and seemed so happy. I was explaining them that it would be difficult for me to show attend them but that they should ask for me and I would try. I remember they came afterwards and I didn't have time to speak with them because you came with some people and the area was going to close, maybe for security reasons, I didn't ask. They were astonished before the beauty of all the things they was seeing. Of course, everything is so beautiful there. But as I said, I was at that beauty shop when I met them. And I got the phone call. I was mad, angry and very deceived. On one side I was sad because I didn't know whether or not my task was going to see the light at the right moment. On the other that phone call, and I thought everything was going to be very hard for me. There was something around me that I didn't understand. Well! If I have to say all the things that I didn't understand! Then I would look like a child who is babbling... That afternoon, before we left. Even in the morning, it was magical. I was alone, I had nothing to do, just hanging on and studying some expressions and lexicon related to our matters. I had taken some pictures of the girls, it was a very easy morning, the enthusiasm was already very high, we were so excited, imagining those who would see what we did, at least I remember I was very happy. So I was alone, and then you came. In silence, as always but this time you didn't utter a word and stood in front of the other side, an empty place, there was no one there, I was alone. I looked up at you and tried to guess what was going on, why you stood still giving your back to me in silence. Then, all of a sudden you turned and mumbled something, not words, with a smile and moving your hands wearing those papers, like to surprise me, saying "maaaaaaa" and almost laughing. I laughed. I laughed and I had things to tell you. But of course, this is too far, there were many other things that happened before. Should I follow a chronological order? Sometimes I think it would not make any sense. But perhaps it would. The pieces in a puzzle having a sense, and designing the answers I don't have right now. Should I go to the first time we met? I have heard that there are people who are afraid to express their emotions. I was never one of them. But somehow things happened in a way that made me feel afraid. So the first time we met I was already too happy to realize what was going on around me. I had a big series of details about the place where I was, all the meaning of its existence, my love for what it represented before, and especially because it was there, were I had been given a mirror to finally see myself. The first time it was during a morning, a morning in May.. I should check this. At that time I was .... I should explain a bit what was going on in my life? It was so great what was happening. Then I went to the city and in the afternoon I was walking with my friends, we walked along the vast avenue, it was so different from the place I was living at. Here there was noise, activity, people went out to enjoy the sunset, the wonderful landscape, all was making me feel so high emotionally. Then I walked and saw the place. I had seen it before but in a rush inside a car. I was there now, nobody seemed to be inside, it was late, and I jumped on the stairs and said aloud: I want to be here! I "need" to be here. And one day I will. One of my friends saw me so excited, he knew someone and wanted to arrange a visit. Who would tell me that my wish would become true?. That was another gift from God. The first one was the rain, my first wish, my first performance at dawn, my first words. It had been sunny all the days and I had to ask something improbable, something odd. I asked for rain. And rain came heavy, for all the long day. People were a bit surprised. It didn't' seem it was going to happen. I didn't tell them I asked for it. And of course, it was not my wish what made it come. But it did. I half smiled and realized many things. That was the same when I was asked to go there. I walked and cried, I listened many words but I already knew them, I asked things that belonged to old times. I think that I felt in old times myself. One day came, then another and finally I came to see you, behind that man. You were among papers, holding some of them in your hands. Another person was with you, exchanging impressions about what was on the table and those papers. It was later on that I had to think about the details that I saw. I may look so silly right now, with all the important things in this world happening, the confused times we are living right now. I look like an adolescent. I also have other worries, it is not that I am using this space to look like a baby. But I must say: you didn't know who came, you were all absorbed by what you were talking about. You didn't notice. Then my name was pronounced. You raised your head. Then something strange happened. It is now that I try to understand why this happened. When you raised your head , your eyes stood a bit frozen, and some papers fell down from your hands. I was so excited that even though I did notice it, I didn't give any importance. All this has come to my mind after many tears, you know. And even now I ask , would this have any indication of something? To walk in darkness as St John of the Cross said once. I don't want to think that this means that or that that means those , etc.... And I had to see things that seemed like "little expressions of something veiled". God, I asked many times. I would like to know exactly what is going on, what does it mean that he asks me this. Or that. I need to know. Because I don't want to get confused. But I was not confused at all at that time. Everything was clear and beautiful. I was helping someone and that was enough for me. I didn't imagine what would come afterwards. I guess I had a wonderful prospect awaiting for me. But you became my advisor, then my friend, then my close friend, then a question mark. And my trouble and my joy. So I will have to come up with details. And then you will see that I remember everything. And tell me then, what was I expected to think or to suppose? Sorry for sounding so childish. Some emotions are. And by the way, many times you looked like a child to me. Cute and incredibly child for who you are and what you represent. But I think that was my mistake. I put you too high, ignoring that you are also human and feel the same things than anybody does. Even weep or acting like a spoilt little boy. I must write my new word on my notebook: "istiqaama", la droiture, the righteousnes.

Goodnight, lover of truth.

YZ (V)

2004-09-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

I have taken again the book I used to have so next to me always. Al-Tassawuf , by Ibn- Agibah, although it's bilingual; the french title is "Glossaire du Soufisme". I used to write late at night at my apartment the words that I had to memorize and understand with its metaphysical shades and meanings. I started writing several lines for each word. Then came another but only after I could memorize and write with perfection the previous one. So I had a series of words in my mind:

tasawwuf, twaba, inaba, khawf, raja', sabr, shukr, wara' , zuhd, tawakkul, rida wa' l-taslim, muraqaba, muhasaba wa'l-musharata, mahabba (MAHABBA), mushahada wa 'l mu' ayana...

Every night I said aloud one, two, three times these words and every day I added one. I had this notebook with butterflies on its cover, with a black background, very flower power colors and I wrote the words every night in subtle lines with a very dedicated calligraphy. I remember I said them aloud then I wrote them. My preferred words were of course tasawwuf, inaba, sabr (es-sabre gameel), shukr ( I had a lot for you), zuhd (so difficult to attain), tawakkul (this was the one I took more easily), mahabba ( it meant everything to me, my steps into the deepness of my faith, for example; but also life in general and especially its mysteries). I had many reasons for wishing to study these words, its meanings and lessons on sufism , like the difficult "rissala min al-qushayri" . I used to stay late and then I realized it was almost two in the morning. I had to continue with my work as well. But it was such a wonderful contemplation of the soul to read the wise people and all their teachings. Those sentences I had to read again and again to better understand and each time I loved more. And this book I bought it in the streets, in a very popular place where people sell books. As I said it was always close to me. And it is the same one that you touched one morning while you were leaning on the wall, thinking "je ne sais quoi", in silence, for some minutes while I was concentrated on other things but trying to guess what was bothering you. Your silence seemed to me as well a sadness that maybe was not true but I felt it this way. It was after I had given you my decision to leave sooner than what you might like. You didn't like my answer. I didn't know why. Then it was this silence and the lack of words or hellos; I was thinking a lot, thinking why was it so important that I decided otherwise, when it was very clear that I had a mission to accomplish and that was all. So I respected this silence, I was not going to ask you whatever, I respected this attitude even if I didn't understand it. For what happens when to people speak as fellows and suddenly there It's is this heavy weight that can't be touched but it can be felt. So this book where your hands rested for some minutes is with me now and I got again this desire to learn with it. Strangely I feel you there, between the lines or better said, between its spaces. It's like an ethereal presence. Maybe I am silly. But this is what I feel. And everyday I am going to continue learning a new word. Ma'rifa, the gnosis, the mastering of contemplation in a strong and continuous way. You see, I love Sufism, and I know I will die without knowing its truths, but I know also I will die with a smile inside. This is my life, I have never felt so complete with any other way of mysticism. I tried by other means and I always had this gap, the difficulty to express my emotions through mystical ways but mine. Then came sufism. I better say I walked toward it. If you knew how much I loved the fact that you are in such world. I am smiling now, because it makes me happy to realize it once again.

Good night lover of truth.

YZ (IV)

2004-09-05T14:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I saw the book that I had been working on, the collection of rarities, the book that I had to translate along with so many other translations that took so much time and sleep from me. So many mistakes in grammar, vocabulary, I thought I would not have time to set up everything on time, that finally that woman would faint when she would see again the same errors. I was doing my job but right now I think that probably, because no one spoke my language, maybe they would think that I was inventing all this. I am quite naive when it comes to think that people think good about me. When I do good it's always like people think I am doing wrong. So, I just worked and worked, not for me, but for the meaning of what was coming ahead. I told you I was afraid people would not accept what happened with the previous person that worked on my place. I was afraid because I was alone and because I am a foreigner. Then I had to hear "you think too much", or "give me names" , but I was afraid to give a name or to give faces, thinking that I wanted to take what was not mine. But anything is mine, but myself. I am not ambitious, I am really not ambitious at all when it comes to career or money or glory. What I ambition is knowledge, even if it gives sad trues. I was working for something that was not mine but that I made part of, a big dream that was going to become true. And I felt responsible for my part, that things I had to do, to arrange and to make them look at least with a minimum of sense. Perfectionist, aiming to make things better, I was giving all of me for this reason, for this dream and for all the institution. Of course I was another element of it. I never thought I was more than anybody. I was just enjoying what was happening to me, the first weeks the first three months perhaps. I was feeling in ecstasy, I even felt something I had never felt before. And it was to feel drunk of happiness. I sometimes felt so happy that I babbled as if I were drunk. Then I remembered those verses by Omar Khayyam when he spoke about wine. It was happiness without wine, it was the true wine, this feeling of half sleepiness that gives true happiness. I have tasted it. And you were a big part of it, you the person who protected me so much: a gift. One afternoon I told you inside your car: "I believe in you, I feel that God put me in AL and that God gave me your hand to help me and afterwards you took mine to make me stay there" I remember I didn't look at you while I said those things and you didn't reply. I also told you that someone was in love with me but that I wasn't. You then asked me if he was at AL. But I answered "no, where I live" Before I left the car you said " Don't worry, everything will be ok" I said there is the school. "Are there male or female teachers? you asked. "Male , female, teachers", I replied with a smile. So I decided to stay in the dream for at least one year. One year you said.... One year. I could continue with the words you spoke, the words that confused me a lot, not knowing what to think, me from a different culture where people normally express what they feel, I didn't understand what was behind words. In fact, I didn't understand if I had to understand them in a way or another. I felt confused , like I didn't know where I was or who you were or who I was, or what was true and what was imagination. I felt something so strange that I started thinking and taking hours to my sleep. But there you were to me, the great magnificent person who made me feel a mystical silver string every time I was speaking with you or every time you approached me. My happiness was there and you also were there. What else could I ask for?I could have asked for clarifications regarding what your questions were about. But I was very , extremely educated, I didn't want to sound advanced. And this is how I thought it should be. And the more I was, the angrier you became. Something happened. I don't know , I want to know what it is. I wanted to know but I was too angry for having to bear your anger toward me, without me having done anything. Everything came down like a picture that starts to rip off. Who made this happen? Why all changed this way? What did I do? I ask always to myself what could I do that made you change so much toward me. I regret that you decided to change your way of being with me. I do regret it deeply, because I never had a stain in my soul regarding all that you meant to me. This is: my protector, good man around me, like a father and like a soul twin, as if the rest of human souls were just here and there but only both of us knew exactly what it meant being where we were. And I felt very special many times, this making me feel so happy. But ... Should I think this was for a reason that meant more for you? Or not? The puzzle, the hieroglyph had just started its designs.

Good night , lover of mystical things.

Y.Z. (III)

2004-09-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have been talking about you all day long to my mother. Now I am a bit exhausted. Many memories came up again, and some were so beautiful. And others let me in pain. I need an aspiring right now, I have a lot of things going on in my mind. I have never learned how to read hyeroglyphics. And now I regret so because I would be able to read this one that still flies in my mind with so many unsolved mysteries. But I think it's time to sleep. I need to have good dreams, and I hope I will. So here I am still remembering, still trying to understand, still no clues. How life is sometimes! And all the time a wonderful thing to live even when memories help in doing so.

Goodnight

Y.Z. (II)

2004-09-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start from, but this is something that has an explanation: there were happening many things during those times: I was living with two families but one so different from the other. One was in the middle of the desert, the other lived in a city full of joy, full of life, full of history, a bridge between east and west or maybe sand and sea, an old old city that took my heart the first time I visited it as a tourist. As a tourist I stepped out the train and found a crowded station where all I could see was huge and high buildings, all almost looking alike. Then, my second trip changed everything and finally when I got there again I felt home or something else that I could not really recall on. Before that second trip I had been studing alot about that city: its history, its religion .. almost like a big encyclopedia I had at home, searching (I love doing research) and also trying to figure out what I could write about it in a story that I had started to invent and wanted to publish one day. But there was something in that city (there is still, of course) that took my heart and I never thought I would make part of it one day. I am not a person who wishes things that have to do with position, career, etc, so when I entered there for the first time I felt I was somewhere else, somewhere lost in history. Oh my... the dreamer! I cried , oh I am too sensitive but I don't know if this is something you know, as for the way I felt you toward me I was sure you didn't know at what point I am sensitive. But I guess you did know something, because this was almost the first thing you told me when you drove me home with your car that afternoon after helping that man. You said: "Do you know that you have a sufi soul?" When I heard you saying this, I felt something strange. I had always loved the sufis and wanted to really study their methaphysical lessons, my love for God drove me to your land and now you were saying those things to me.... And who was saying them? Someone who knows so much about Sufism! I felt a deep happiness, like my heart was jumping but at the same time I was calm and I was confident. And very grateful. I asked you why you say those things? I wanted to know first why you had said such things, you know, I needed to know and then answer to coroborate your thoughts. Then you said: "It is easy , your soul is transparent" Then it is when I commented that sufism is my ultimate desire, my deep desire, my true wish. I was living at that time in an area full of people, with a huge market and apples all over the street. Your car was very beautiful to make it melt in such heavy dust and populace. I didn't mind at all, this is what I like, the people, the melting pot and the screams and laughs. But you were someone very important and I felt too Madame at that moment. You wanted to drive me there and said " its beautiful, it's very popular" . I loved that answer. Then it's when I felt something beautiful, a protective person, someone who cared. I left and you drove and dispappeared, but I was already walking toward the house where I was living for some days... and full of emotions that I could not hide: for I had been helping in a place that meant so much to me, where a woman had been and had spent her last years before dying in a horrible way. I said : just one day means a gift to me, an eternal gift from God. I didn't know at that time that the gift would be given to me once more, but not for a day only but for many many days. I didn't know, I was unaware. I ignored what was being designed for me. Meanwhile you had already entered in my world of love for God, you made part of the hands that guide. I don't know, but I felt it was this way, but I didn't want to think too much about it because I preferred to enjoy every day like a gift, what I had been considering since months ago, when I was reborn in March, some three months before, in the desert.

Y.Z.

2004-09-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

This is the very first letter that I send you. I still have the one I never gave to you one afternoon, I still don't know why I didn't; but I guess it was for a silly decision at the last minute. But it doesn't matter now what I was saying in that letter because I already told you "thank you so much" for making my day brighter and happier. These are things that perhaps you may think I don't believe or I never expressed. They are there still, they were always in my thoughts. I still can remember the first time you saw me and what happened. I still can remember the last time I saw you. Both times seem so different one from another! And so many unspoken words from you. And from me. All this made a veil around us, like two people who fear something unknown. I always remember so always try to understand. And never have a clue about why things happened this way. It was never in my will to be rude, or to be cold towards you. Yet it seemed that something I did, that something happened that I can reach to understand. Sometimes you were a wonderful , caring person, and others it seemed that you were almost fainting, almost hating me, or even hating me. I suffered so much! For two reasons:a place that that I loved so much, it was my life and a gift that I had to leave with tears, and the mentor who meant so much to me. I suffered from anger, hate and oblivion. I cried and thought that life is so unfair, that tests are so hard, that injustice is clear with me. I would like that you know that I never did anything to hurt you, or hurt the relationship, so clean and beautiful we shared. I want to tell you that never in my life I have tried to harm this beautiful relationship neither. I always felt that you were my aspirin (yes my aspirin, if this makes any sense to you), what takes away all pain and suffering, what brings trust and deepness. God was around us. I felt it. Finally I thought a devil was making move the strings of our lives. I have so many doubts! I have deep doubts about whatever happened, about what was hidden behind beautiful words, about so much difference of the way we face close relationships. I must say that I have suffered, cried, I have felt many things and also the times that were beautiful are the most beautiful I have lived in this country. I have been in heaven, and in hell. Perhaps you are smiling at this, perhaps not. Still you see, there is a great doubt about what you are feeling right now. For what reason you became the way you did, for what reasons everything became unbearable. If you knew how much I remember the instants of happiness, I think you thought something about me that has never been truth. But... What is it? I asked to myself so many times, so many times what made you became so rough with me. But I had to admit it and bear with it. I had to do it because there must be a reason. Even if I will never know which one is.I am going to write and write, I have to take from my heart the pain I have been enduring. I need to fly out all the terrible things and I want and need and must speak about the wonderful things that have happened to me thanks to you.Maybe one day you will read these lines. If you are clever enough you will understand who wrote them. I am not someone who writes things for granted. I write what I live, and I loved what I lived once in the most beautiful place in the world. My life, my love, my "prince of the worlds" all was there in one single place: you know its name, but I will tell you someday again.